Oh, the places you'll go!

Tired and very moody today. I am ready for the weekend! Why can't it be Friday yet??

So, is it weird that I am starting to feel discouraged already? I mean, I hope and pray that I am pregnant, but every day that passes I am feeling more and more like it just isn't going to happen this time around. I don't know why really, I can only think that it's because I don't want to get my hopes up only to have them dashed away! "Expect the worse, hope for the best."

On to the blog challenge... Today it's 6 places...

1. Ohio... where I was born and raised! I couldn't wait to leave, but now I look forward to the day we'll go home for good. :)

2. North Carolina.... like a home away from home. Where we always vacationed when I was growing up (Nags Head!) and where my older brother has lived since before my parents adopted my brother and I. Where I always thought I'd relocate to after leaving Ohio.

3. Washington... the first state I lived in once my husband and I were married. I loved it! We went salmon fishing all the time (amazing!!) and camping and four wheeling nearly every weekend. We were only there for a year together, and it was a fabulous time.

4. Iceland... Our first overseas duty station - hopefully not our last! :) It was incredible!!! I would move back in a heartbeat. They closed the base so we were only there for a year, and I was so sad to leave. Seriously, I totally recommend Iceland if you ever want to travel to a beautiful country!

5. California... Where we lived once we left Iceland. Where my husband was deployed more than he was home. Where I met some of the best friends I've ever had.

6. Virginia... Where we live now! It's a really nice area, and it's great being closer to Ohio (so we can drive home to visit family) but I've had a hard time making friends, and after the dry heat of California, I hate the humidity!

There you have it... 6 places I've called home at one time or the other! :)

- Honeybee

You can't always get what you want

Whew, I am in a very bad mood today. Easily annoyed and frustrated. One of those days when I would have done just about anything to have headphones at work so I could listen to music and not all my annoying coworkers!

But it's okay, I have ice cream with sprinkles to make me feel better tonight! hahaha...

Anyways, today on the challenge it's 7 wants... Here goes :)

1. I want to travel to Ireland. It looks like such a gorgeous country, and one day I will visit.

2. I want to get out of debt, for good! We aren't horribly in debt, but I would certainly prefer to be totally debt free.

3. I want to get my associates degree and be done with school once and for all! I am just not a college student, and I'm okay with that.

4. I want a horse! I love horses and someday, when my husband gets out of the Navy, I want us to live on enough land to have a horse or two.

5. I want to be a stay at home mom. I would love, love, love to stay at home and raise our children. My mom was a teacher so she was always home by the time we got home, and she was home with all us summer. I loved it! And I want that with my future children. :)

6. I want to learn how to use my camera better. I really need to learn all the settings and menus and such so that I can use it to it's full potential!

7. And yes, of course, I want to be a mom. Whether it's by biological children, or adoptive children, I want to be a mom, and I want my husband to be a dad.

- Honeybee

"Fear is the highest fence."

I am 6dpiui today. I am very anxious. Anxious for the time that I can test. Anxious to find out if it's negative or positive. Anxious for everything the future holds!

But in the 10 day challenge, I'm on 8 fears... so here goes...

1. Spiders. Nasty, terrifying creatures, aren't they? I depise them and am seriously afraid of them.

2. The possibility of being in a bad accident scares me. For some reason I've always had this fear that being in a bad accident is inevitable, and it really freaks me out. My husband is a very defensive driver and it makes me nervous, even though I know he's a good driver! Thank God I've never been involved in anything worse than minor rear-ends.

3. My house being broken into while I'm home. I always get so paranoid when my husband isn't home because I start imagining that all the noises a house makes are really someone breaking into our home. Sometiems I even create little boobie traps to make myself feel safer.

4. Puking in public. Okay, maybe not as serious as some of the others, but I am so afraid that one day I will have to puke and not be able to make it to a private place first. I've had some close calls, but I'm dreading the day that I don't make it to privacy and end up puking in front of people. How embarrassing would that be?

5. Fair rides. I used to love them. Those crazy spinning rides that make you scream from excitement and make you (nearly) puke.... But since I've gotten older I've become afraid of them. They make me nervous. I start to think about how safe they are, or rather aren't, and it takes a lot for me to actually go on one. And if I do go on one, I figure I used all my luck for that day and don't bother going on a second.

6. I'd be lying if I said I didn't fear a childfree future. Yes, I know we would be fine, but I long to have a child, and it scares me that we might not be able to have biological children, and it frightens me that we might not be able to afford adopting, or that an adoption might fall through and we never get to bring our child home.

7.  Something happening to my brother. My younger brother and I are about 18 months apart and we are very close. We were adopted together, and before we were adopted I took care of him almost exclusively, so it cemented a bond that will never be broken by time or distance. Of course I already feel a need to look out for him, just because I am older, but my brother is also gay, and it terrifies me that some ignorant person who does not understand that being gay does not make you a bad person will harm my brother. I would be beyond devestated if anything ever happened to him.

8. Obviously losing my husband is something that scares me. I know that anything can happen at anytime that could take him from me - and him being in the military and deploying to places like Iraq only adds to that fear. A future of missing him is a terrifying thought!

- Honeybee

Love, and all things related

Day 2 of the 10 day challenge. Today it's 9 loves... And no, I'm not going to list my husband, family, or dogs, because of course I love them! That's a given. :)

1. I love summertime. I am not a big fan of humidity (doesn't mesh well with my curly hair!) but I love the late nights and the hot days. I do miss the freedom that summer brought when I was a kid though. Sure wish I could go back in time and enjoy another carefree summer.

Summer afternoon - summer afternoon; to me those have always been the two most beautiful words in the English language.  - Henry James

2. I love to mow the lawn. It was definitely my favorite chore when I was growing up. I like the solitude-ness of it. Unfortunately my husband loves to mow the lawn just as much as I do, so unless he's deployed I don't get to enjoy it anymore. :( hahaha...

"A good wife is one who can mow the lawn in the summer and put up the storm windows in the winter.” - W. C. Fields

3. I love to travel. I wish we were able to travel more often and more extensively. I don't have a desire to travel to South America or Africa, but other than that, I would love to go almost anywhere in the world! That's why I'm really hoping that we get overseas orders again!

“We live in a wonderful world that is full of beauty, charm and adventure. There is no end to the adventures we can have if only we seek them with our eyes open.” - Jawaharial Nehru

4. I love the military lifestyle. I have many friends who are counting down the hours until their husband gets out of the military, but I am enjoying his time serving our country and as happy as I will be when he does get out and we can move back to Ohio, I am just as happy to continue to support his career for the next 10 or so years. The fact that I love the military lifestyle doesn't mean I like my husband deploying, but we both realize that it would be a fact of life if he joined, so we accept it and move in. Gotta do what you gotta do! :)

"I thank God for my life, and for the stars and stripes,. May freedom forever fly, let it ring. Salute the ones who died, and the ones that give their lives so we don't have to sacrifice all the things we love." - Zac Brown Band

5. I love blankets. I don't like to feel exposed, so I love blankets because not only do they keep me warm (because I am always cold!) but they also help me feel protected! Wish is why, if you were to ever visit my home, you would find that I own at least 30 blankets. And I make sure to keep an extra blanket in each of our vehicles, just in case!

6. I love sweet tea. I grew up in Ohio where they just don't serve sweet tea. They make you do the work yourself! Sure is nice to live in Virginia now and be able to order sweet tea. :) Little things make me happy. hahaha...

7. I love to be positive and optimistic about life in general. I can't stand pessimistic people. I don't see what good being negative about anything does. I look for the positive in every situation, and yes, sometimes is hard, but I feel that making the choice to be positive can make a difference, and it's worth it to me!

"If you realized how powerful your thoughts are, you would never think a negative thought.” - Peace Pilgrim

8. I love photography. I love to stalk photography blogs, and I'm amazed at the beautiful photographs that people are capable of capturing. I wish I had that gift! Maybe someday if I practice enough.

9. I love to laugh. I want to laugh everyday. I want to laugh until I cry. Unfortunately I don't always get to. But believe me, I try my best! :) And I constantly get comments about my laugh. My father-in-law loves to hear my laugh. I love that my laugh makes other people happy. :)

"To me, there are three things everyone should do every day. Number one is laugh. Number two, spend some time in thought. Number three, you should have your emotions move you to tears. If you laugh, think, and cry, that's a heck of a day." - Jim Valvano

And there you have it... 9 loves of my life! :)

- Honeybee

Blah, blah, blah

Ugh I feel crappy today. Woke up with a headache after going to bed much too late and having to wake up much too early for an eyebrow waxing appointment. Stopped at Rite Aid on my way to said appointment and saved nearly 15 bucks using coupons. Yes, I'm a couponer. I have a binder full of coupons - but I'm not "extreme" and I'm not a hoarder. :) haha... Came home from appointment and made breakfast for myself and my husband. Omelet for me, fried eggs and toast for him. I love eggs, but my husband only likes to dip his toast in the yolk. Which I find funny, cause as much as I love eggs, I hate the runny yolk, so we share eggs. He gets the yolk, I get the whites! Works out well. After breakfast my husband watched some television and I started reading my new book (Roses by Leila Meacham) and now you have the summary of my day so far. :) Aren't you glad I filled you in? Quite an exciting life I lead, I know.

Anyways, I've decided to take part in this 10 day challenge that so many blog are going. Mainly because if I do this everyday for the next 10 days we will be at July 4th, and July 5th is when my two weeks are up, so it works out pretty well, if I do say so myself!

Here we go.... 10 secrets. Now, I'm not going to spill my deep dark secrets for all the web to know, so instead I'll share 10 things about myself that you may not know (in other words, I haven't already disclosed this information in any other part of my blog). Only time will tell whether they will be interesting facts or just plain boring.

1. I used to be a nail biter. I would bite them all the time, but somehow, in the past year or so, I've stopped biting them. Not sure why exactly, perhaps I just grew out of it? I sure am happy though, because I like my nails to be longer and more "feminine" looking, that's for sure.

2. Sometimes I get really horrible migraines that make me throw up. They're awful and I hate them with a passion. But the weird part is that I've only ever gotten a migraine on a Sunday morning. I've never had them on any other day. My husband thinks it's because I don't drink enough water on Saturdays, but I don't think that's the reason. Maybe my body is just reacting badly to the fact that it's Sunday and the weekend is nearly over!

3. I am a very hard worker and I take pride in my job and the work that I do. However, that being said, I am not a morning person and I am often late to work because of that. Not anything extravagant - usually anywhere from 1 to 10 minutes. But I always go above and beyond to get my work done, so I figure if an employer fires me for being late, it's their loss more than it is mine. That probably makes it sound like I get fired a lot, but I actually land jobs quickly every time we move, and I end up working there until it's time for us to move again, so apparently my employers don't mind me constantly being late. Well, I take that back... one employer did (I was late twice, once because I got lost and once because my alarm did not go off) but we were moving soon anyways, so it didn't bother me much.

4. I really don't like cats. I love dogs, but cats, not so much. This all stems back to the black cat that my mom had when I was younger. She used to scratch me a lot, so I was afraid of her. My parents had her declawed (she was an indoor cat) so she started biting me instead. When she got out one day and never came home I was secretly happy, because I disliked her so much. To this day cats make me nervous because they seem to be plotting evilness towards me.

5. I was in the delivery room when my best friend gave birth to her first child, a beautiful daughter, because our husbands were deployed to Iraq. It was absolutely amazing, and I feel blessed and so thankful that she allowed me to share that moment with her!

6. My very first car was a Dodge Neon that my mom and dad let me pick out when I was 15. My dad had crashed his van, so when buying a new car they decided to let me pick it out with the knowledge that when I got my drivers license the car would be mine to drive and that when I went off to college, they would put the car in my name. I loved that car and was very sad when we had to sell it before moving to Iceland. I still miss my Neon and really wish we could have kept it!

7. When my brother turned 16, I took him skydiving. Because of our age we had to do static line - which is where you jump out of the plane by yourself but your parachute is essentially connected to the plane and once you are so far away from the plane it opens the chute for you. It was incredibly scary but absolutely amazing, and I will definitely do it again one day.

8. I am paranoid about my doors being locked. I always lock doors behind me, which my husband finds somewhat amusing and somewhat infuriating. But it makes me feel safer, and that's why I do it. I can't fall asleep at night until I know the doors are locked - including the bedroom door.

9. I'm not a big fan of pizza sauce. Well, actually, red sauce. I used to love spaghetti when I was growing up. But shortly after I married I started getting an aversion to red sauce on pizza or pasta. It made me want to throw up. I have become better about eating it, but I still prefer ordering white sauce pizza and I like my pasta plain. Which is something that the husband and I disagree over - he likes to mix the pasta in with the meat and sauce, but I want to keep it separate so that I can control how much (or in my case, how little) sauce is on my pasta.

10. Even though my family always vacationed at Nags Head when I was growing up, and even though we lived near the Pacific Ocean, and now we live near the Atlantic Ocean (when I say near, I mean 5 minutes away) I really am not a beach person at all. I prefer the privacy of a home swimming pool. And I also prefer not having pounds of sand in my hair for weeks. But I still feel guilty for living so close to the ocean but not taking advantage of it!

Alrighty then... 10 facts about me that you never knew before. :) Sure was harder than I thought it would be! Hopefully it wasn't too boring reading about me.

Time for an afternoon nap to hopefully get rid of this headache!

- Honeybee

Tick, tock, tick, tock...

I feel like I have permanent butterflies in my stomach. I am trying so hard to not analyze every little thing, and I'm trying hard not to get too hopeful, but it sure is tough! How in the world am I supposed to get through 2 weeks of this waiting game? Yikes! You'd think I'd be used to waiting with my husband's deployments and all. But I have a feeling these 2 weeks are going to drag by even slower than a 6 month deployment!

- Honeybee

Wishing and hoping and thinking and praying...

Well our first IUI has been completed! :) Yay!!

The whole procedure went smoothly. We were there at 8 for Seabee's part, and the actual IUI was at 9:30. Seabee's sperm was great.... they said they like at least 10 million sperm, and at least 50% motility. Seabee had a post wash sperm count of 30 million with 66% motility. My husband was proud of himself. ;) hahaha... The actual IUI was much quicker than I imagined it would be, and not painful in the least bit. And, can I just add that it surprised me that the sperm wash was $120 OOP, but the IUI was $255 OOP. Really? Doesn't it seem weird that the IUI, which took the doctor all of a minute to complete was so much more expensive than the sperm wash? Just seems odd to me! Anyways... I took the whole day off work, so after the procedure we went home and took a nap before going out to do some shopping. :) So now we're in the two week wait... My first ever! I hope I can make it without going crazy!

Now... something I am really nervous about is that our two week wait is over on July 5th. Which just so happens to be exactly one year since my father passed away. It would be amazing to get a positive result that day (but heartbreaking at the same time, since I would give anything to still have my dad here, and knowing that he will never meet his grandchildren is hard to accept), but I think getting a negative would almost be even harder since I'll already be very emotional that day. Of course, I won't be working that day - I requested it off because I know I'll be a mess - so if I did get a negative result, at least I would be able to process it at home and not be a mess at work! I know, no need to get ahead of myself just yet... Whatever happens, happens, and I'll figure it out when it does.

For now, I'll be "wishing and hoping and thinking and praying" that in two weeks I'll have the positive result I've wanted for so long!! :)

- Honeybee

Daddy's hands

"Dad, your guiding hand on my shoulder will remain with me forever."

Today is the first Father's Day since my dad passed away. I miss him more with everyday that goes by. I'm sending my love to heaven, and I hope he knows how thankful I am that he was my dad.

"If I could do things over, I'd live my life again
And never take for granted the love in daddy's hands"

- Honeybee

Are you serious?

Today was my 2nd ultrasound, to confirm or deny whether or not this last course of Femara had worked for me.

When we were at the doctor's on Wednesday we had debated over whether or not to go today, and I decided to go, only because I felt like the "what if's" would drive me crazy if I didn't go. The doctor also suggested that we decide whether we wanted to do another month of Femara, or if we wanted to go on to injections and not waste any more time on Femara. At first my husband and I thought another round of Femara was what we wanted to do, but after discussing it further, we decided that we wanted to pass on another round of Femara and instead go straight to the injections.

So as I headed off to my appointment today I had it all planned out. I went alone today - because my husband only works half days on Fridays and the office is closer to where we work than where we live, and since gas isn't all that cheap, and his truck drinks gas like it's water, I told him he could stay home, not to bother driving out for the appointment, that I would get all the needed information. Well, I had a different doctor for my ultrasound than I normally have, and I also had a medical student in there, as well as a nurse (the fertility clinic I go to is part of a medical school), but they were all super nice, as everyone I meet there is. When the doctor did the ultrasound she commented on how full my bladder was - and then she told me that I had 2 follicles - a 13 mm and a 16 mm - to which my response was, "are you serious?" and then she checked my other side, and told me I had a 9 mm follicle on that side. Oh. my. goodness. On Wednesday I was so disappointed that I nearly cried. Today I was so happy that I did cry! I was in total shock and felt like I was being pranked or something. But it was real! She told me she wanted to give them some time ti keep growing, so on Sunday I'll do my trigger shot and Tuesday morning I'll have my first (and hopefully last) IUI in hopes of making baby number one! :) My husband was thrilled when I called to tell him the news - I could barely talk because I was afraid of sobbing uncontrollably - and very upset with himself that he didn't go with me. Now, I know this IUI might not work, but I am so happy that I went back today... because if I hadn't gone back today we would not have known that this dosage of Femara did in fact work, and we would have gone on to injections. Which would have been more time waiting, more money spent, etc, etc, etc.

And the doctor today told me that in the future, since I have poly cystic ovaries and because I am young, that it is normal for me to ovulate later in my cycles, so I should always insist on having an appointment on day 12 or 13 in order to avoid what happened this time around. I thought that was great advice, and I will definitely follow it (although, I did tell the women who made my appointment that I was told to go in on days 12 or 13, but since there were no openings, she had to give me my original appointment on day 11). So yes, I am very happy and very excited and somewhat nervous. I'm sure my nerves will be super high on Tuesday, but for now I'm still reeling from the shock of the complete turn in events. Definitely did not see that coming!

So I am one happy girl tonight! :)

- Honeybee

Son-of-a-biscuit...

Well, it appears I was (unfortunately) spot on this time around. Once again I have had no response to the Femara (5 mg, days 3 - 7). But I am going back Friday for another ultrasound to rule out any doubts, since the doctor said it is still fairly early in my cycle (yesterday was CD11, Friday will obviously be CD13).

I was, without doubt, very disappointed yesterday. I feel like it is a waste of time to go back Friday, but I know that if I didn't go back I would wonder, "what if?", so I figure it can't hurt to go back in. At least I'll get out of work early since my appointment is at 3. Way to look for the positive in every situation, huh? :) haha

So my husband and I have to make a decision... do another round of Femara, 5 mg again, but days 3 - 10 (instead of 3 - 7), and see if I respond to that, or jump right to injections. I am feeling torn and we definitely need to sit down and discuss!

But for now, I need to get back to work!

- Honeybee

Butterflies...

Sitting at my doctor's office right now, waiting to be called back for the ultrasound to determine whether the Femara worked for me this month. Super nervous! Hoping for the best, but fearing the worst... So glad my husband is here with me!

- Honeybee

CD8

Yesterday my husband and I took a day trip to beautiful Beaufort, North Carolina with a friend and her adorable blue-eyed boy. It was a gorgeous day for a mini road trip (about 4 hours from where we live) and I enjoyed it very much. On the drive home we talked about all sorts of things. We even briefly talked about our infertility struggle. My husband and I were married 6 years and 11 months ago. :) And we have thoroughly enjoyed our child free life. My desire to have children came years before my husband's desire. Not that either one of us ever doubted that we wanted to have children... We just wanted time to enjoy our life as a two-some before we added any more members to our family. But we both agreed that we wanted more than one child (more like 5, thankyouverymuch!) and we discussed parenting issues that we knew we would face one day to be sure we were prepared for whatever the future holds. It sure is scary to worry that the large family we've dreamt of could be just that - a dream. I just have to try and remember that even though sometimes being 26 feels ancient, I am still young and we have no reason to feel hopeless.

My next appointment is in just a few days. Yesterday was my last dose of Femara. I'm hoping and praying my body will have responded to this course of pills. But, part of me is worried because I just don't "feel" like my body is working.  Like, if my girly parts were kicking into high gear and doing their job I want to think that I would know it... feel it... be sure of it. Does that seem silly? Okay, I know it is. But still, I can't help it! I suppose there is no sense in worrying over it though because I'll obviously have my answer in a few days. And you know I'll be back to share the news!

- Honeybee

How much is that doggy in the window?

Anybody want 2 dogs?



hahahahaha... They sure are lucky I love them!

- Honeybee

On the road again!

Okay, I'm not really on the road, but I am on CD2 which means we're back to where I feel like we're actively moving towards our goal of becoming pregnant. Tomorrow I'll start my Femara (5 mg this time around, since my body didn't respond to 2.5 mg) and I have my ultrasound appointment scheduled already. :) Hoping for the best, obviously!

Super tired... about to go to bed super early, especially since my husband is already asleep in his recliner! What a bunch of old folks we are. :)

- Honeybee